Johnny Depp Arrested By CIA on Late Night Talk Show

Johnny Depp And George W. Bush are guests on a late night talk show. George has just come out to the clapping of the audience. Johnny has just finished his interview moves to the second chair.

Host: [announcer type voice] Now our next guest, he’s a very powerful man, very powerful. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to introduce the president of the United States. Please welcome President George W. Bush! [ all stand. enter bush followed by 2 CIA agents; audience a mix of applause and booing.]

Bush: Thank you, thank you. [ waves to audience and bows slightly. Depp rolls eyes at agents]

Depp:[shakes bush’s hand] Nice to see you.[all sit]

Agent 1: [into earpiece] Perimeter secure. [stands behind president]

Agent 2: [into earpiece] copy that. [stands behind depp, who looks back nervous then to audience]

Depp: [to bush] is he going to stand there all night?

Bush: [laughs slightly] Standard pro-cedure, son. [Depp winces] They’re CIA. They follow me wherever I go. [childlike amazement] Watch this. [turns to agent 1] Agent Ryan, can you get me some coffee?

Agent 1: Right away sir. [into earpiece] The eagle needs joe. Copy that. [to Bush] it’s on the way. [ a few moments pass, stagehand gives bush coffee]

Depp: [feigns interest; sarcastic] absolutely amazing.

Bush: [sips coffee] isn’t it? [host laughs]

host: it’s a very big night for all of us here at the late show. The president, and Johnny depp on the same show. Now I know there was a bit of controversy a few months ago between the two of you, johnny you said some things...[Depp opens mouth to speak, hesitates, closes mouth, repeats]

Agent 1: He said America was an “aggressive dumb puppy.” [all turn to agents]

Agent 2: [advancing on Depp, hands on his shoulders] Anti-American! Terrorist!

Depp: [alarmed] I’m not a terrorist!

Bush: [as if heard for the first time] My country is not a puppy! We are fighting a war on terrorism! That doesn’t make us dumb! We’re trying to prevent attacks before they happen. That is essential to keep this country the way it is. Free.

Depp: And isn’t part of keeping this country free the right to freedom of speech? [disbelief] I exercised that right, I was misquoted, and now I’m being accused of terrorism?!? I said that because America’s not as established as other countries...[cut off by agent]

Agent 2: [leaning over depp, hands on his shoulders, intimidating] Those kind of statements can get you in a world of trouble.

Agent 1: Watch out, terrorists don’t get the red carpet experience in prison, Mr. Depp.

Agent 2: If that’s who you really are.

Depp: [tries to get out from under agent 2] Of course that’s who I am! Mr. President, with all due respect could you please call off these agents?

Bush: Now as I told you before, johnny, it’s standard pro-cedure. [changes subject] You called this country a dumb puppy. We’re in a war! We’re not dumb! Compared to the country you live in, we are actually doing something to keep our people safe. France is not in support of our actions, that’s preventing us from keeping the world safe...

Depp: One country cannot save the entire world. One country cannot be accused of terrorism, it’s stereotyping...

Agent 2: Do you have something to hide, Mr. Depp?

Depp: I don’t have anything to hide.

Bush: Your living in France to hide from this country, aren’t you? To hide from the government, to hide from the president?

Depp: [calmly] My family is in France, my girlfriend, my two children. Your family’s here, mine’s in France.

Agent 1: You know fugitives run, Mr. Depp. They run to other countries, countries like France...

Depp: I’m not a fugitive!

Bush: I’ve heard all I need to hear. [he motions to the agents, who each take one of Depp’s arms]

Agent 2: You’re coming with us. [depp stands, restrained by both agents]

Depp: Are you serious?

Bush: They’re the CIA. Of course they’re serious. [motions for them to take him away]

Depp: [in pure disbelief] You can’t do this...[being led off by the agents] Are you serious...[exits with agents]

Host: [shocked, almost laughs in disbelief] Well ladies and gentlemen, we are out of time. On behalf of the late show, we’d like to thank our guests, Johnny Depp, and President Bush. [audience mumbles in confusion, applauds finally] Thank you, and goodnight everyone.

Copyright December 5, 2005 by Solia Jacobs